It's one of those thinking days again.
I thought about myself.
I thought about why something can work for someone else and not me.
I thought about what, or who I was trying to be.
Well, this post is just about my honest thoughts etc.
And I do know, my way of thinking is really different.
But please, don't be a hater.
Let me share a story before I start.
It's about a boy and his father.
There was this man who was always foul tempered.
One day, he was tightening the screws of his car and giving it a wash.
So he turned to his son and found him scratching his car with a small rock.
He got so angry and hit his son on the hand.
So when he got back his consciousness, he realised that he was actually hitting his son's hand with a hammer.
Yes, he lost some money having to repaint his car.
SO WHAT, WHAT HAS HIS SON LOST?
His hand.
Back to topic.
So what about me?
I always thought I was fairly good looking, or actually quite good looking.
And I always thought I knew how to dress up.
Wait, don't boo me just yet.
I took a good look at everyone around me today.
And wow, I'm nowhere near an average standard.
I always envied Daniel, Clayderman, Charles or whoever, for having be the topic among girls.
And I thought I could be the talk among girls too.
Now that I think of it, I kinda find it a joke.
Come on, I don't have their style, I don't have their looks.
What was I thinking.
I should've been contented with what I had.
I thought that as long as I tried looking like them, then I would gain some popularity.
No, I don't have the stuff.
I'm not as confident as they are.
I realised that life isn't just about being attractive, or being well liked.
Ever since secondary 2, I've been trying to change.
Trying to look or act "beng" so that I wouldn't be bullied like how I used to be.
I learnt how to dress up.
I learnt how to walk.
I learnt how to talk.
Then again, I realised that it was just a front.
I'm not like others.
Even though I've changed a lot on the outside, I'm still one timid and afraid little boy inside.
I feel so small whenever I'm surrounded by a huge crowd.
So who am I trying to be?
I've got to stop pretending to be someone who I ain't.
But somehow, I'm just now proud of myself.
I'm not like Clayderman, or Junjie or whoever, full of confidence.
I can always grow on the outside, thinking that I would follow up on the inside.
No, it hasn't worked.
I'm kinda sick of trying to be someone else.
I feel disappointed with myself.
4 years of effort and I'm giving it all up.
Though 4 years may seem short to everyone else.
It's been a tiring journey all the way here.
I don't know what to do next.
Life seems to have come to a pause.
What now?
I'd feel better tomorrow, bye.